A Place for the wanderer

I feel like, in my personal experience, there have been a lot of occasions when I have been told to just pray about it and everything will be alright. Sometimes, ‘alright’ looks a lot different than we expect. As humans, we like to think we know a whole lot more than we do. 

My whole life I have been obsessed with the stars and all things space. I have a passion for science and math that has never gone away. After high school I even went to the local university to study astrophysics. That fell through but a couple years later, I tried again. Two more times I tried. Two more times I failed. I just didn’t have the resources and support. However, I felt it meant something to never give up. So, I kept returning. For over 10 years.

Then, a couple years ago, I was on a walk in a field talking to God. He said to me, “you will find me in the stars.” I applied to the state university and was accepted. Bachelor’s degree, here I come, I told myself. My circumstances were different this time. My kids were school age and I felt confident I had more support. 

The first semester went really well. During the second semester, right after spring break, the person I considered my biggest supporter became my biggest liability. The fallout from the choices made during that time was immense. I found myself alone and living in a hotel, still going to class while also Doordashing to make a living. Needless to say, the semester was not a successful one. 

By the end of that summer, I had found an apartment and decided to take the fall semester off to get everything in order. I was still dealing with the fallout from that fateful spring just a few months prior. So, I spent the semester handling business and I enrolled for spring classes. Once again, I felt confident I handled things well enough to have a successful semester.

There was still some of that fallout that I was dealing with, though, but I kept pushing. By the end of the semester I felt I had grown and learned a lot. I prepped for the final, prayed extra hard, stayed positive, and just generally did everything I could think of to make this successful. And then I failed my final. I

To say I was shocked would be a vast understatement. I was deeply confused. My world was shaken. God had called me to this, I thought. What did I get wrong, I would ask myself over and over. God is perfect but I am human so it had to be me that failed. I had failed my mission. What would happen now?

I spent a few days just kind of sitting with the news. Failing that final was a big deal for the progression of my education because of what class it was. I had prayed and prayed and prayed but, in the end, God said “No.” I thought hard about what He had told me in the field that day and found that it was, in fact, true. I had most definitely found Him in all of this.

I was also feeling a renewed urge to research the stars on my own. I meditated on this because it struck me as odd. It felt more rational to me, knowing myself as I do, that the topic would feel a little sensitive to me at that moment. Why was I suddenly so freshly curious? I came to realize, or God put it on my heart, that school was a distraction. I had been praying for peace while holding on with a deathgrip to the thing stealing that peace the most. The revelation stopped me in my tracks and suddenly I felt comfortable with it all.

I started thinking about what a different life might look like. I started considering what peace looked like for me. I want to walk the path blessed by my Father. I want the plan He has chosen for me, even if I don’t know. That final exam was two weeks ago, as of writing this. I have no idea where He is taking me. An unexpected opportunity rolled in last week. God has also really put it on my heart to start this website. 

So, I am just going to take it as it comes and ask God for directions. I’m really tired of getting lost. When it comes to navigating life, I’m really stupid compared to God. I get it wrong and really make a mess of things. This has made me really understand the idea of God the Father, God the Parent. I really am like a 5 year old with my own life. I make all these decisions, calling them rational and tenacious, when I don’t actually have a clue of the real consequences of any of them.

I need God to guide me. I don’t have to understand. I just need His guidance. Now that school has exited the equation, I feel a world of hope and possibilities. I am excited, actually excited, to see what it is God is building here. I prayed for peace and an education. God said “no” to one in order to say “yes” to the other.

We don’t always understand the why behind His decisions. Sometimes the events of life truly wreck us and we find ourselves angry with Him and confused. God sees this and loves us through it. So, what tough thing is happening in your life, I hope you leave this page trusting that God has a plan and it is perfect, even when he doesn’t provide us the blueprint.